What Do I Say? What Do I Do? Supporting Someone Who Shares Their Traumatic Experience with You
Traumatic events are overwhelming, distressing experiences that leave people feeling helpless. It may be very upsetting to hear about someone close to you going through that kind of experience, and you may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, or not be sure what to say or do.
This guide can help you to consider a few things that might be helpful when someone is sharing a traumatic experience with you.
Listen
Most people who have experienced trauma, when they speak about what they want when they share their story, want to feel heard, understood, and empathised with.
Tune into yourself. Hearing someone you care about going through traumatic experiences can stir up a lot emotion. Tune into yourself and try to calm your own emotional responses to what they are saying. This could involve techniques like taking deep, steady breaths, or focusing on your surroundings to help you stay calm and grounded. It’s okay and normal to feel upset and angry, but calming these reactions in the moment can help you to tune in to the other person more effectively and offer them support.
Listen. Talking about trauma is likely very difficult for the person, so it may take them some time to share their story. You can reassure the person and show you are listening by making appropriate eye contact, nodding, or offering reassurance or encouragement to talk such as “it’s okay, take your time” or “I can see this is hard to talk about, we can go at your pace” or even use simple phrases like “it’s okay, I’m here.”
Consider your body language while they are talking. Crossing your arms, looking away, or fidgeting may make you seem disinterested. Aim to have calm, open and relaxed body language, and put away distractions (e.g. your phone).
Avoid platitudes or blaming When the story is cause you to feel upset or distressed, it can be tempting to try to avoid this discomfort by interrupting the person, shutting down the conversation, or offering platitudes. Resist the urge to say things like “these things happen for a reason”, "you're strong, you can get through this", or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” While on the surface, these phrases sound like they are spinning the situation into a positive, many people will find these dismissive of the depth of what they have experienced. Avoid blaming them for what has happened to them, even indirectly (e.g. "Why did you drink so much?"). Suggesting the trauma was their fault can be very damaging for recovery.
Go into the conversation with a non-judgemental attitude. You are simply there to hear their experience and acknowledge their suffering. You may feel the urge to offer your opinions or disagree with some of what they are saying, but your aim now is not to debate the situation or give them instructions, but to honour their story and what they experienced by listening empathically.
You can make a difference. Although you may feel uncomfortable, research shows that this first disclosure is vital for people (Bonnan-White, et al. 2018). If they are sharing something they have experienced, taking the time to actively listen can change the trajectory of this persons help-seeking and health. Your presence, compassion and care can make a huge difference.
Offer Empathy
Connect with the person on a human level and offer empathic responses to what they are experiencing by acknowledging their pain and emotions.
Simple phrases such as “That sounds so hard” or “You must have been terrified when that happened” or “That is an awful thing to have happened to you” can help people feel heard and validated. Recognising their pain, and the depth of the impact of the experience, can help people to feel supported and connected.
Some people will find touch, like a hand on a shoulder or hug, supportive and containing. However, this will be inappropriate and unhelpful for others. Unless you know the person well, or they invite it, it’s better to avoid touch if you’re unsure if it will be helpful and welcome.
Offer Practical Support
Many people who have experienced trauma will have practical needs that they are struggling to attend to. You can ask simple open-ended questions like “Is there anything I can do practically to support you?”
It is always helpful to ask about support needs, and to let the person know that they can contact you if they need anything. However, many people are not able to think very clearly about what they may need and may not have strength to reach out when they need something. It’s better to think of some things that you can do and see if that would be okay with the person.
That may look something like:
“I was thinking, with all that going on, I’d love to support you with something. Would it be okay if I dropped off a few meals this week, just to take cooking off your list?”
“We always love having the kids come over. We’d be happy to look after them on Thursday afternoon to give you some time to yourself, would that be helpful?”
Respect the person's boundaries and consider the nature of your relationship. If they refuse your offer, respect the refusal and let them know that you are available to help with what they may need. Ask if it would be okay for you to reach out in a few days and check in if they need support then.
If there is a situation of domestic or family violence, usually the person experiencing violence is best placed to know what will be helpful and what might raise the risk of harm. You should always offer support, but respect if they refuse, as they are the best expert if this would make the situation more dangerous for them. You can read more about this in our article Supporting Someone Experiencing Family or Domestic Violence.
Connect with Professional Support
There are many kinds of professional and legal supports that may assist the person in the aftermath of trauma. This may look like talking to the person about reporting to police, other reporting bodies, or seeking professional mental health help.
Aim to do this in a supportive, non-judgemental way. One way to do this is to ask open questions, rather than telling the person what you think they should do.
When a situation is particularly shocking, or a crime has been committed, it may be tempting to tell people to seek justice or specific help or care. The person has already usually experienced an extreme violation of their personal dignity, and had their confidence undermined. It is more helpful in this moment to assist the person to make their own decisions and follow their lead.
Some phrases might be:
“That’s an awful thing that has happened. What would you think about going to the police? We can go together, if you like.”
“I can hear how much you’re carrying. It might help to talk to someone who’s trained in helping people process trauma - I'm here for you, and I can help you find someone if you want.”
“That would be difficult to cope with. I wonder if speaking to a professional about some coping strategies might help you on the day to day. Of course, you’ll have me for support as well.”
Organise to follow up
Following trauma, many people may be tempted to withdraw from others, or experience symptoms that make it hard to reach out for help. Gently ask the person if they would mind you checking in on how they are going or make a plan to see them again. Re-iterate that they have your support, and that you’re willing to walk through this with them.
You can offer low pressure invitations that involve spending time together and reassure the person that they don’t have to talk about their trauma if they don’t want.
They may look something like:
“I’d love to have you over to watch the football this weekend. We can talk about what happened if you like, but we don’t have to. Whatever is best for you.”
“Would it be okay if I gave you a call on Thursday night? We don’t have to talk about what happened if you don’t want to, but I just want to check in and see how you’re doing then. No pressure.”
Be mindful of their boundaries and remember that they might need space at times. Ask them what feels comfortable for them— ‘I’m here if you want to talk or just need someone to be with you, but I understand if you need space.’
Be patient
Everyone reacts to trauma differently. Your loved one might seem distant, withdrawn, or even act out in unexpected ways. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation, and they may need time to process. This may mean an adjustment for you and your family, at least for a period of time.
Be patient with them. Trauma recovery doesn’t follow a set timeline, and your loved one might have days when they seem to be doing better, and other days when they may seem more distant or upset. This is completely normal, and it’s part of the healing process.
They may behave in ways that seem surprising, but remember, their behaviour isn’t a reflection of you -it’s their way of coping. In the aftermath of trauma, many people will find it difficult to connect with others, do things they used to enjoy, go out in public, or be intimate. Recognise that these are common reactions to trauma, and it may take some time before your loved one starts to recover.
Practice self-care
Supporting someone who has experienced trauma, and hearing their disclosure, can be very upsetting and provoke a lot of our own emotions, or trigger some of our own experiences. You don’t have to do this alone. Make sure you lean on those around you and practice your own coping skills. You might even want to seek professional help about managing your own responses, as well as how to help your loved one. You can also reach out to our Direct Messaging Service for information and advice.
While listening to someone’s traumatic experience can be upsetting and overwhelming, research shows that simply by empathically listening, you are offering the gift of healing to someone who has been through extreme circumstances. Sitting with the person, listening to their story, and offering your support can be the beginning of them getting the support and help they need to heal (Borja, Callahan & Long, 2022). It's normal to feel upset, frustrated, or even helpless while supporting someone through trauma. Be kind to yourself and reach out for support if you need it.
References
Bonnan-White, J., Hetzel-Riggin, M. D., Diamond-Welch, B. K., & Tollini, C. (2018). “You Blame Me, Therefore I Blame Me”: The importance of first disclosure partner responses on trauma-related cognitions and distress. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 33(8), 1260-1286. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260515615141
, , & (2006). Positive and negative adjustment and social support of sexual assault survivors. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 19(6), 905–914. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.20169